Many many words

hello dear, how are you? i really miss you.

Sorry I have been radio silent for two days. Turns out that “heavy hesrted mental state” I shared about in my last post evolved into a depression episode/crisis that I had to go through in the last two days.

It is different from the usual moodiness or mood swings I always have, as I tried to explain in my last post. I cry even more than I always do, and it’s a different kind of crying. It’s like I felt like I couldn’t breathe or function if I wasn’t crying. And I couldn’t control it. I did tell my chinese doctor, and he said it’s probably because of my hormones and digestion.

This feeling is an old friend of mine even though I think I haven’t been triggered to this extent for awhile. What made it challenging this time was that I had to go in the office on both Monday and Tuesday. For Tuesday (yesterday), it was for a meeting with Vincent in person in the afternoon. But even then, I decided to take the morning off because I really was too exhausted and I worried I wouldn’t be able to get through the meeting without a break beforehand.

I actually took that time off to make a wellness recovery action plan. Not sure if you have heard of it, it’s a tool to help you get through a mental crisis. I found it quite helpful, it actually already helped me immediately later on the day yesterday, because I experienced that kind of crying breakdown quite soon after I got to the office.

In fact, I think it’s partly caused by that I didn’t know how to act in front of Edison when I saw him. For any other colleagues, I’ve trained myself to put on a work mask to pretend I am fine. But I struggle with that whenever I am in front of Edison, because on one hand, I don’t want to fake it in front of him. But on the other hand, I am also not 100% comfortable yet to be vulnerable in front of him either. And for the past few days, I don’t really know why, he’s back to his cold distanced mode again. I have always struggled to communicate with him or express my feelings with him whenever he does that, so this made the whole situation even harder.

I think I ended up having to talk to him while still catching up with my crying breath. And I definitely seemed very weird and off. I could tell he was perplexed, which I was not surprised because I know him that he’s never the kind who deals well with emotions. He just becomes even colder and distanced.

We ended up finishing our meeting with Vincent smoothly. To be honest, I was just on survival mode most of the time and really glad when it’s over. When I got home, I considered for a long time whether or not I should message Edison about what happened. I feel bad for being so dramatic and I really want us to feel comfortable with each other. So I wrote a long message to him before I slept.

He’s left it on read till now. I do feel a bit sad about it, but I am also not surprised. I don’t know if he just needs time to digest or he just really wants to keep a distance from me. But at least I feel I’ve said what I genuinely want to say and these are the most well thought out words I could put together that doesn’t just come from the very emotional side of me.

And today, I finally feel like I am starting to recover from the episode. It will probably take a bit of time for me to get over the whole episode, but at least I also feel that my chinese medicine was finally kicking in to help ease my mental situation. So I hope it will only get better.

Tomorrow is a hectic day for me because I actually have to go to a trade show at Guangdong. It will be a day trip, so I will have to get up at 6am. I am glad Edison is not going…it gives us some space. I hope I will be mentally better tomorrow too.

Miss you and your hugs a lot.