Messy mind

hello dear, how are you? I am so sorry that I didn’t write here the last few days. I have just been a bit occupied with being in my own world and thinking about things again.

Sometimes when I have so much thought in my mind, it’s like they are all tied together and I find it even harder to put them into words and share them here with you.

Yesterday (Monday) I was chatting with my chinese doctor over messages. I asked him how is he doing recently, and he told me he’s planning to marry his girlfriend this year. He actually mentioned about it briefly quite awhile back during one of our appointments. But I don’t know why when I heard that again, my heart still kinda sank for a bit. But then when I asked him casually that I am curious to why he is marrying her, and his reply was so simple: Because it has to be her, that answer made me feel genuinely happy for him, so I replied: that’s a really good reason.

Last Saturday, my brother and I had lunch together after going to the bank with my mom. We were discussing about our parents and he suddenly asked me, if he gets married in the future, will I mind staying with him and his girlfriend. I immediately answered that I think I shouldn’t be staying with them if they get married. I said I think what would happen is that we will be selling this house, and they will rent outside on their own. I will probably find another place that is smaller than our house now but still be able to fit my parents whenever they come back to stay in HK.

At that moment, I gave the most sensible, rational answer that I could think of calmly. But inside me, the question triggered million thoughts and feelings.

For the past two days, I don’t know why but I feel like everything around me has just been prompting me to think about longer term things. Do I really want to stay in HK for longer term, eventually when my brother gets married and moves out, and I will be left alone? If I am not sure, while I still have the flexibility now, should I maybe at least give the UK another try, staying in our new house in Manchester this time for a few months? Even if I am not making any move for now, but how about in 3 or 5 years’ time. How will my life be different from now? Will my parents still be alive and healthy? If not will they be taken care of in HK or the UK? What will be our financial arrangement? Do we sell our house or not? How about you? Will things change on your side? Will I still be writing to you here? Will I at least get to talk to you, see how you’ve been doing?

And then I realised that unlike most people where they may feel stressful because the longer term things like finances, relationships, relocating etc tend to be complicated with a lot of considerations, what truly stresses me out is not my lack of intellectual capability or knowledge to handle or carry out these things, but that my mental capacity and emotional state is not keeping up to give me the mental energy to deal with all these rational thinking and information.

Once again, it led me to doubt myself but in a different way. I have always known that I am not a stupid person. I am the kind who can get the most difficult task done, make a tough decision, and work really fast and hard if I am determined. But at the same time, as much as I tend to hide it, I am someone who is so rich in emotions and feel so much inside. Most of the time, I tend to accept this how I am wired. But when my depression hits or is triggered like it has been lately, this rich in emotion side of me almost seems to only have a negative effect on me. I have to spend so much energy and time to manage my emotions, and it undermines my productivity.

It frustrates me when I think about it this way. Because deep down, I value feelings and emotions a lot. I believe that’s what makes us human and I know I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t my emotional sensibility that keeps me from being a cold person who only knows right and wrong. But at the same time, this seems to be a source of stress for me, especially when the world seems to be demanding me to be a rational person to deal with my problems on hand.

This was a tough morning for me to start the day because of all these battling thoughts in my head, and I actually had to go in the office today. I knew I couldn’t be stuck in bed thinking and crying all day even though that was what I wanted to do, so I decided to wrap this endless mind battle for now by praying to God that He knows every detail of me from the inside out despite how complicated and messy I am, and he still loves me and made me who I am. So my prayer is that he will shine his light within me to bring clarity and guidance in the midst of all these.

This is gonna be a really busy week for me. I was in the office today packed with discussions, then I will have a 7am meeting tomorrow with Vincent. And I have 6 meetings tomorrow, with the last one at 8pm. So it’s definitely a long day. Then on Thursday I need to attend a seminar hosted by Disney HK team in the morning. On Friday, I have to go to the bank again during lunch between work hours. I still have to finish planning our family trip to Kyushu next week.

I think at this point all I can feel is how perplexed I am. But lastly, just wanted to let you know that I think about you extensively. Even though it is hard for me, I still decided to write some of these vulnerable and messy thoughts out here because this is the only way I can stay connected with you. So I am sorry if this is a bit overwhelming and heavy fo you. I have you in my mind and heart a lot still even as I struggle.

My half pyjamas outfit yesterday, and my all black outfit to the office today.