Today is mid autumn festival.
It marks a year of what happened that night between Edwin and I. I recall how I fell into the darkest cave in just one night a year ago.
I am feeling a lot right now, not because I am looking back in anger or pain or fear. It’s because of realising that I have been on this journey of trying to climb back up from that cave for a year - the cave where all I could hear was I am not worth loving, not worth choosing over, not good enough in any way.
I remember vividly how God brought these words into my heart on the next day after what happened, when I was full of shame and felt so disgusted by myself: “I love you so much even now, that you will never be more loved than you are right now.” I couldn’t fully understand and feel it at that time, but after a year of wrestling, I think I finally do now.
There aren’t any “big” changes in my life in the last year. I am still single, still travelling around the world to figure things out, still battling with depression and anxiety. But when I allow God to work in those dark places in my heart, his light shines through them and he mends those wounds and brokeness in so many special ways that I never expected. Sometimes it’s seeing his grace in the midst of my weakness, sometimes it’s through the people around me who just quietly stay by my side despite the walls I have built around me, sometimes it’s just the beautiful sky and nature or heartwarming scenes on the streets that I notice when I look up and look around the world.
I feel that the message from Edwin few days ago was the “last test”, a test to see how far I’ve gone out of the cave. And even though I was shaken up for a bit at first, I was strong enough to not cave back in amymore. In fact, it makes me realise that I am ready to move even further away from it.
And today after a year, even though I am still single and waiting, I no longer doubt as much as I did that I am not worth loving. And when I finally accept this healing love that God has been pouring into me, I find strength and courage to love others around me again. And every time when loneliness and doubts come haunting me, I remind myself of the love and forgiveness that I have received from God, and that I no longer have to be trapped by my own mistakes or the pain. And I can believe that he will continually heal and restore me.
(Sorry I run out of photos already, haha. This was taken from Jojo in my hotel room on the day when I was so bloated cause of my period)
Love you loads, Andy. ❤️🩹
I also want to share with you some convos I had with the chinese doctor. I was telling him that I got a lot of stuff to pass him next time when I meet him and I casually said I don’t know why I especially like to spoil him. And he ended up writing some rather long messages to me, teaching me that I need to be careful and protect myself because there’re guys out there who might flirt with me when they see messages like that even if they have girlfriends, and I might end up getting hurt.
I asked him if he sees me as someone who’s stupid and innocent. He laughed and said yes a bit. I told him what if I tell him that I am not, it’s just that I choose kindness at the end of the day. I jokingly said he can try going down that road and I will back off a thousand miles.
I felt that was a good timing to be more honest with him, so I told him that it’s actually because he’s so adorable in my eyes and that makes me want to secretly guard and protect him. And all I hope is that he’ll continue to be adorable and kind, but that’s all. I told him he doesn’t have to worry because if I ever have a boyfriend, I will spoil him 10 times more :)
He thanked me for that, and he said he said all these because he could also feel that I am a kind person, and he doesn’t want me to get hurt again.
I am relieved that I am finally able to figure this out internally and share how I feel about him. I guess this is still a kind of love, but a different kind. And I am genuinely grateful that he’s protecting me in some ways too whether it is as my doctor or a friend.
I hope both him and I can be at peace with where we land on. I always try to end our conversation so that we don’t keep texting each other and only find him when I need to.
Miss you, Andy. My brother and his girlfriend will be arriving Manchester tomorrow, it will be some family time for us before I go back to HK next Tuesday.
It will probably take me another year (or more) to say “happy mid autumn” without any burden. But I do want to tell you that I love you and think of you on this festival, especially when I see the moon tonight. Love you ❤️🩹
Some more photos: A funny card I came across that describes me so well, and I really like how the light shines into our house
Comments