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My 28th birthday

  • hanalauhoiman
  • Dec 22, 2024
  • 3 min read

Yesterday was my birthday, I am officially 28 years old.


I know I must journal about it, because when I scrolled back to read what I wrote here last year on my birthday yesterday morning, my heart was flooded with this unique warmth feeling of being reminded how far I have come over the past year, and I want to make sure I receive this same gift from myself next year.


I actually spent quite some days thinking about what I should do this year especially since it’s a Saturday - do I want to meet some friends or do I just want to stay on bed for the whole day? I even fantasised that you would show up as a surprise, haha. But in the end, I chose to go hiking, on this trail from my home to Big Wave Bay that I haven’t been to for more than 2 years.


It has always been my favourite hike. It holds so many good and bad memories - I brought you up there once, I brought Neil and Sree there when we were dating, I discovered Edison was dating Annie when I got down from this hike when I still had a crush on him…and I also had gone up there alone countless times over the years. But that’s also why I’ve been avoiding to go back up there since my depression. I didn’t want to be reminded how my life used to be when this kind of “normal” life just seems so so far away for the depressed me.


But on my 28th birthday yesterday, I chose to go on this hike again after 2 years, not because I finally feel that I am “on track” with my life, but because I want to take this day to count my blessings for the past year and 27 years of my life by doing something that is good for my physical and mental health and being out in the nature to admire God’s creation.


I actually cried for at least 3 times just in a day yesterday haha. I cried the night bsfore I went to sleep when I wrote my previous post, I cried in the morning when I read my birthday post from last year, I cried when I finally got up to the hill looking at that same old magnificent scenery that I haven’t seen for awhile and converse with God.


I still don’t have all the answers that I have been asking God for a year. But if there is anything that I have resolved to believe again through the past year, it is that even though I don’t have everything I wish for, even though I see myself as such a “difficult” person and sometimes feel like I don’t deserve to be loved, even though I still have moments when I want to give up so badly in that really dark place, God never stopped finding ways to come through and pursue me, just to make sure I know I am still loved no matter how I see myself or how I behave.


“There is no short cut for healing.” That is something that I felt God spoke to me during my hike. For the last two years, I have been so desperate wanting to get back to “normal” and be back on track with life. But God’s vision has always been greater than ours. His work in me is not just to bring back the same old “normal” of who I was, but so that I can flourish into someone he has always known that I could be.


(Here is me reaching the mountain top!)


I don’t know if I can say that I am happy. But I think I can say that on my birthday, I felt joy - that is fuelled by the love that I received from God. And this joy is far more solid and stable than the happiness that I had been pursuing, that is not dependent on where my life stands today or my circumstances.



Some more photos today :)

(a peek into my 3-layer hiking outfit you get to see since it’s my birthday, hehe)


My brother gave me a little surprise late night. He had his gf bringing over the birthday cake at 11ish pm, that’s why I was in my pyjamas and looked so ready to sleep, haha.



(this last one will have to be my favourite photo of the day, with my imaginary pinky dog (my inner child) 🤍 I couldn’t have done life without her this year :))


Miss you extra on this day, Andy :) Love you loads, as always ❤️‍🩹





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I'll always be by your side. :)

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