I find it sarcastic that I ended up choosing to come to Taipei for my mileage run as I try to emotionally withdraw myself from my Chinese doctor who is from Taiwan. Right after I landed, I saw he posted a IG story where there’s a reflection of him and his gf. But at the same time he also messaged me about his comments on the coffee drip bag that I bought for him from Thailand. We started texting for a bit again and now, my bitterness is starting to grow.
I know he messaged me about the coffee probably only because I mentioned in the card to let me know if he likes the coffee bags. But it stirred my heart when I had to see his IG story and messages to me at the same time.
I went to a beef noodles place that he recommended today. I wonder if he knows how I feel about him. I feel that he does, that’s why he mentioned his gf to me and posted a IG story. But then why does he still stay ‘close’ to me? Is he just trying to be nice? Does he genuinely just see me as a friend?
All these remind me of you again. I remember how you also tried to keep a distance from me at one point during our time at Meyer. I was so sad and assumed that you didn’t have any feelings for me, that’s why you’re trying to stay away from me. I wish I could read the mind of you both. But even though I don’t understand all these and that confusion leads me to feel frustrated, I seem to always have a soft spot for you both.
I was tempted to go to a bar tonight and get tipsy so that I could feel less of the bitterness. He even recommended me one, but I didn’t in the end because I actually feel quite tired and Vienna asked me to be careful since I am alone here.
I miss you Andy.
I have still been looping moon’s song (take me back) these days. It helps me to cry out my innermost lonely feeling of not fitting into the world. Just like earlier today when I went for shopping, I felt like I was surrounded by cool, fashionable people who enjoy so much of the materialistic world. While for me, I could barely find a few pieces of clothes I am interested to try on, yet I don’t even actually like most of them that I tried. It feels the same when it comes to my love life. How hard it is for me to find someone like you or the Chinese doctor that I really really like. But neither of you are available.
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