How have you been, Andy dear?
It’s finally Saturday today. The past week has been mentally tough for me, as you may know looking through my posts of the last few days.
To be very honest here, I’ve almost been waking up and going to sleep in tears every day in the last few days, and that is quite tiring. (Not to mention how ugly looking that makes me)
I don’t really know how to summarise what I am feeling now and why. If I really have to describe it, it’s probably an overwhelming mix of disappointment, hurt, confusion, and lost.
I guess I have had periods like this before too, a lot of times God is very quick to meet me at that dark place and shed some light to help me get through it, but this time I feel he has just been a bit quiet in the middle of all these.
It put me in a very tough state. In my head because of all that I’ve gone through and experienced, I know that God is here, he always answers when we seek him, and he loves and cares about me very much that he has good plans prepared for me.
But sometimes in moments like this when I feel like I just don’t see his “work” in my life, it makes me feel lost and confused, and my heart wrestles with my own mind.
These are the words I wrote down last night before I slept: God, I am disappointed, hurt, and lost right now. But I don’t want to stop believing that you are good, you are faithful, you care, and you will finish what you started. Even when I don’t see it, when I don’t understand, when I don’t have all the answers, I choose to look upon you and trust in you in the wilderness.
This morning when I woke up, I picked and played this song from my Spotify playlist. My tears came out again, and I suddenly realised this is probably the song I would want people to sing for me at my funeral. There are many songs that I resonate with and speak for the different sides of me. But if I have to pick just one song about my life, it’d be this one.
I know this is very random, but I thought I’d share this with you first now, just in case, because who knows what can happen in life.
I wonder if you’d scroll through the lyrics and read till here. If anything does happen or for whatever reasons I really will never ever get to see you again, I hope that you know you will remain my favourite person in the planet. And whenever you think of me, you’ll remember me as the person who really really loves you, never gives up on you, and never stop believing in you.
コメント