Today I had to go in the office for a meeting. The last time I went in was almost a month ago. I realised the less often I go back, the more uneasy I feel every time I visit. My anxiety was a bit intense today and I couldn't really function socially. It felt like I had to pull every single brain cell and muscle in my body together in order to interact with anyone and not put up a "sad" face.
At lunchtime, Edison and Howe invited me to join them. They picked a place at APM and I had to walk down that Kwun Tong Road with them that made me feel so uncomfortable. After lunch, they went to get coffee and they picked the coffee shop in a building next to APM that is an escalator up.
It was a coffee shop that we two used to go to. I had only been there with you. It was like our secret coffee place along that street.
I was with them but I didn't order anything. It's not because I didn't want a coffee. It's because to me, getting coffee after lunch near the office is one of the most precious memories I had with you. It's so precious that I don't want anything to distort that memory in my heart, that's why I haven't gotten coffee with anyone else around the office since then.
That's my secret that I don't think I've told anyone even you, because I think people would just think I am silly and stubborn.
I haven't eaten tamjai since you left. Five Guys either. As much as I love these food and missed mixian so much in the UK. I don't want to have them without you. These things meant so much less when you are not next to me.
That's how much space I've kept for you in my heart. How much I've missed you in the last 1.5 year.
Despite all these turmoil of emotions and anxieties happening within me, I still tried to do my very best at work today. I didn't cry until I returned to my room after dinner time with my family. I guess that's just me being me, still choosing to try my best in any situations and places I am being put in.
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