Overwhelmed Hannah

hello dear, how are you? I miss you.

My stomach is finally getting better that I can have rice without going to poop right after I eat immediately. But at the same time, I am not feeling very well mentally in the last two days

I guess I am just starting to feel really stressed out that I am going to the UK for a month in 10 days’ time. I feel like I just came back last week from Vietnam and immediately got sick, and just as I am getting better, I have to get prepared to leave again soon. And perhaps being away for a month sounds very long for me, I am just getting really anxious when I think of all the things that I will have to leave behind for a month.

I am not referring to the physical things that I am leaving behind, but more of the feelings, relationships, routines of being in HK. Things like, going to church in person every Sunday, having brunch and grocery shopping with my brother on Saturdays, being in office once a week, seeing my chinese doctor every week, meeting some friends every now and then, my weekly exercise and monthly hiking habit, even my alone time crying on bed etc.

And then there’s also a lot of practical things I need to sort out before leaving, like fixing the pipe at home, some work-related things that require me to look at in person, many late night meetings, buying things to bring over for my parents…etc. that is making my schedule a little bit too crazy.

You know me well, I start to stress out especially when my brain is overwhelmed with messy thoughts, and I feel like these days I just don’t have enough time to process everything that is on my plate.

And today, I went into the office in the afternoon because I have a few meetings that are better to be in person. I tried to keep it within myself and exert it as I’m being in high energy and attentive, but internally I could just feel how tense I was. And especially when I interacted with Edison, I just felt like being so guarded and I don’t even know why I behave that way.

But just now, after finishing my last meeting at 11pm, I told myself that I really need to give myself a pause to cool down. As I lied down on bed, I started crying and finally releasing a bit of the tension inside me. I was screaming internally to God about how overwhelmed and stressed I am feeling right now. And in the midst of that, I could hear this calming voice in my heart that says to me, “Be still, and know that God is holding all of these together for me.” It is challenging for me, both physically and mentally, as I juggle through everything. But I know this is an opportunity for me to exercise surrendering to God and trust that he is with me in all this.

Miss you, dear Andy.

How I look so calm on the outside but so messy inside