Resolving the mind battle

hello dear, how was your day? miss you.

Today is Monday, it means I had to go to my chinese doctor’s appointment, but I actually had been feeling so troubled about having to see him since Saturday.

I didn’t want to go because I still had emotions over what happened the other day that I felt he “lectured” me and made me feel misunderstood. I still felt “angry” at him and I didn’t want to face him. I know I could also just pretend nothing happened like how I do a lot with other people. But with him, I just somehow don’t want to be fake. And on the other hand, because my mental state really hasn’t been very good this week, I know he would be able to tell when he checks my pulse and I don’t want him to confront me about it. I was so troubled by it that I actually cried so badly about it both yesterday and this morning before leaving my bed.

I told God about how frustrated I feel. On one hand, I am so cynical about the world for not understanding me and making me feel hurt. But on the other hand, I blame myself for being too sensitive for having these emotions. And I am just constantly in this conflicted mind battle that frustrates myself even more.

But in middle of my crying, I felt like God came through to meet me at that swirl of emotions. First I felt that he was trying to remind me that even when I am being the cynical Hannah, he still loves me as much as he loves the good and kind(er) Hannah. Then I felt he asked me an inviting question: “Are you willing to believe that perhaps these people around you who you feel like are enemies never meant to hurt you?”

The question was like a way out for my never ending mind battle. It might be true that a lot of times people don’t understand me and don’t know how to support me in my mental illness, and my emotions of feeling hurt are also valid and real. But I also know that most of the time, like this case with my chinese doctor, it was never their intentions to hurt me when they say or do certain things. If they knew what I am really going through, they would definitely choose to support me in ways I needed.

So in the end, I still went to see my doctor today. Now that I think about it, I think I actually carried a “dark” aura when I went in the room, as if there’s a dark cloud on top of my head (Maybe you are very familiar with that Hannah with that “dark” aura too, haha). I said as few words as possible and I just nod or shake my head to all the questions he asked.

Throughout the consultation, he tried to ask me several times what happened or why I am in such a low mood in different ways. But I didn’t feel comfortable enough to say anything, and I just didn’t know how to express myself without being emotional. I also don’t want myself to be more hurt if how he responded wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But as it went, I felt kinda bad because he was so patient to wait for me to share all the time, and I could tell that during the therapy session, he was trying to use different tactics to make me feel more relaxed by talking about other stuff or saying something silly. So towards the end, I think I was influenced and I became less “covered by the dark cloud”.

After I left the clinic, I messaged him and finally shared with him what had been troubling me, but I also told him I know it was never his intention to hurt me. He said it’s okay and comforted me that I will feel better soon.

I felt really touched by how God came through to meet me in this. I would probably be stuck in this forever if it was him. Perhaps the resolve was never about telling those people off or revenging them for hurting m, or forcing myself to be a less triggered person or get over with the hurting feeling, but to give myself time to forgive, both myself and those that I think have hurt me, and then try to trust again.

Sorry that I wrote a lot of words again. I think this is a very important lesson for me to learn, because I know I tend to fall into this “cynical grip loop” very often. That’s why I wanted to make sure I journal this down here.

I am going to the office tomorrow for the first time after a long time (since CNY), and I al also meeting a friend for dinner. I am a bit nervous because I would have to engage with people again. But I hope this experience today would help me be a bit less anxious and socially withdrawn.

Goodnight, miss you Andy.