Sharing

How are you, Andy?

I haven’t written here the last few days because I have been going through a lot internally, so much that I had to shut the door in my heart for a bit from anyone.

I could write a million words about all the specific difficulties and struggles I have here, but perhaps it’s never about how challenging life is but how my mental state has been, there’s where my real struggle is.

In the past week, I’ve been really busy with helping my parents with the house, from all the hard labour work (moving heavy things from shops to house and up and down the house, assembling furniture) to being the mediator between the two of them, I put myself at the least on everything where possible.

But it doesn’t mean that I am going through less internally just because I am busy. In fact, with my depression and hormones going on, and with so much going on around me and things I have to manage, I feel even much more than usual and they are also more intense than usual. But every night or whenever I have a bit of alone time (usually just 5-10 minutes throughout the day), I am already so exhausted that I don’t even have the energy to cry, which is usually the “easiest” way for me to regulate myself, I just pass out on bed immediately in deep sadness. And the next morning when I wake up, I just burst out in tears.

But despite all these, I am still trying to put my best effort into everything that I can do. Sometimes that means doing more than what I think I should do for my parents, sometimes that means giving way to my mom even when she’s unreasonable. Other times that just means fighting against those depressive thoughts in the morning that are telling me everything in life is meaningless no matter how hard I try.

Yesterday my mom lost her temper and threw a tantrum again. I decided to talk it out with her. It’s not because I needed to win an argument. In fact, it takes me more energy to confront her than to just give way in that situation. But I wanted to let her know that it is because of her “blind spot” that is making herself frustrated and that affects our relationship with her.

Earlier this morning, some furniture arrived and I was still “recovering” on bed from my crying, my dad tried to move one of the boxes but it’s too heavy it hit toe and the bleeding was quite serious. So I had to go out and get some first aid supplies immediately with my mom.

Sorry, I don’t have much positive energy or sharing these days. I only have these repetitive photos from the same spot and a lot of vulnerable but very real sharing.