Hello dear, how have you been this week?
Today I have some words for you that I've kept for quite a long while, mainly because I didn't know how to say them. But they have become so prominent in my heart in the last few days, so I thought perhaps I should pluck up the courage to say it to you.
There is a sorry that I've owed you for 2 years, for that last conversation we had over WhatsApp. You might not remember the details - it was the conversation which you told me you decided to go back to your girlfriend, when you said, 'Sorry, I failed and I caved in.' I remember how disappointed and angry I was, I left you with some harsh words and I blocked you. After a short while, you blocked me as well and it's been how it is since then.
On and off I would scroll through our WhatsApp chat when I really miss you, but that is the only part of our chat that I never dare to look back at. It's not because of what you said to me there, it is because of what I have said to you.
There has been this overwhelming guilt that I have secretly carried within me over the last 2 years for not being able to accept who and how you were at that moment, I reacted and I hurt you back when I was hurt.
I know you never expect an apology from me, you probably don’t even remember what I said and are thinking I am being so random and silly right now. I can also easily give 10 defenses for why I did what I did, which is actually what I had been doing. But the more I look into my heart, the more I see this part of me that is still broken, not because you hurt me, but because of the hurt I caused you.
Andy, I am sorry if I have ever hurt you in any way. I wish I knew how to love you better.
"I loved you at your darkest." - This is something that I only came to understand and experience fully from God after what I went through because of Edwin. Guilt was never about how bad the mistake you’ve made, it comes from how you see yourself. Seeing myself as a disgusting and dirty person, a failure who disappointed everyone and myself, yet God still embraced me in that darkest and told me he doesn't love me less because of what I did. It is because of that, I don’t have to live in that mistake forever.
Do you know we will only be able to give what we have received, and that includes love? I loved you a lot 2 years ago, but the Hannah 2 years ago had yet to truly fathom love that stays in the darkest. As much as I wanted to, there was only so much I could give you at that time. And now when I look back, I feel sorry for my inability to do better.
You probably are familiar with the Christian concept of repentance. That has been what I do whenever this regret overwhelms my heart. I still genuinely believe there is no mistake too big for God to fix and meet us in grace. But today, I also realised that after all those times I confessed to God about this same thing, I have not truly confessed to you, the person I felt I had hurt. We apologise not because the other person needs to hear it, we apologise because we see our mistakes and finally have the courage to make up for it.
Sorry if this post comes random to you, but I believe healing can only begin when we choose to open up about our wounds. I also want you to know that I realised as I think back what happened 2 years ago while writing this today, I am finally feeling comfortable to say out loud: I am no longer bound by those wounds, or those things you think you had done to me 2 years ago - God has truly healed my heart from them.
Andy, so much I wish I could say to you that I won't make the same mistake again. But the truth is, we human beings will never be able to love perfectly, only God is able to. But at least I want you to know, I love you at your darkest, that is the kind of love I really want to give you and hope you can experience.
Love you with a lot of hugs,
Hannah
PS: My look today, surprised that I look okay before my period. Haha
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