Sunday and painting

hello my dear, how are you today? miss you 🤍

Today is Sunday, I was supposed to join the care group after church service, but it got cancelled last minute because some people can’t make it. I felt so glad about that, because I was actually still very tired from yesterday and the past week, and this allowed me to have some alone time at home to rest and get some things done.

I wanted to share something that really brought me to reflection today at church. The pastor asked if we ever had this feeling whenever something bad or unfortunate happens on us, we feel so troubled and start to think that perhaps these bad things happen on us because we have done something wrong and it is God punishing us.

It made me think of how lately I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and it sometimes led me to question the emotional side of myself without even noticing. I think about how from time to time I would wake up in the morning and just have a mental breakdown without any specific reason, or whenever I start to feel a lot of emotions inside. I am now more used to telling myself that it is just a depression episode that will pass. But still sometimes I get really frustrated by myself and can’t help but ask, why am I wired this way, what did I do wrong that I have to feel so much pain that I don’t even know where they are from.

But today, the pastor said to us that this mindset of bad things happening because we’ve done wrong or we are being punished is not what God told us in the bible. God loves us so much and works things out for good. That self doubt voice is actually our shame and guilt speaking to us, trying to bring condemnation that only puts us in a vicious cycle.

Another part he shared that really struck my heart was this line: “All healings are messy.” If there’s anything I hate the most about myself crying so much is all the tissues I use to wipe my nose and tears, and my dry and swollen eyes afterwards. That’s why sometimes I would choose to suppress my emotions even when I know there’s so much inside me that is accumulating.

But I feel that God today wanted to remind me again that, I can’t rush the process. I need to give time to both those depressing thoughts and desperate tears that came out from my conversations with God to flow through, despite how messy it feels like. Only then my heart will experience true healing.

I don’t know how your life has been lately, my dearest. But I hope your heart experiences true healing too and you can be free from being condemned by your own shame and guilt for the bad things that you go through in life.

Love you and good night 🤍

Selfie outside the building of where my church is:

PS: I finally finished the painting today :)