Sunday me

hello my dear? how was your weekend? I miss you.

Today after church in the morning, I spent a whole afternoon with my brother’s girlfriend. It was just the two of us without my brother because my brother didn’t want to come out for shopping.

I first accompanied her to her chinese doctor appointment (I recommended her to the one I go to, so it’s the same chinese doctor that I always talk about). And then we went to several shops that she needs to go to buy stuff. After that she was already very tired so we had early dinner and ended our day.

I don’t think it’s because of my brother’s gf particularly, or anything “bad” that happened throughout the day. But on my way home, I just started to feel so depressed that I suddenly really wanted to cry on the bus.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling, but it’s like I always have to wear a “mask” whenever I’m out there interacting with anyone in the world. And the longer I have to wear the mask, the more detached I feel from the real but vulnerable me, and when I finally unmask myself when I feel “safe” again, I feel so overwhelmed by these emotions and I had to cry in order to recover.

This probably sounds very dramatic to you or anyone. It’s not even any ridiculous “mask” that I wear. I was just trying to be “normal”. “Normal” meaning being calm, socially conscious and polite, cool, caring to whoever I’m with.

This is not the first time I experience this, but I feel especially frustrated tonight because as my birthday and christmas approaches, a lot of my friends and even family asked to meet with me. I know they initiate these out of good intention, but it’ll probably still be very mentally draining for me. I am already trying to manage my schedule to make sure I get enough space to recharge, but I’m still worried that I’m going to stretch myself too much to “make it through” these gatherings in the next few weeks.

But I also feel that God already knew and that’s why he gave me a really timely reminder earlier today during church. The topic at church today was “peace”. One of the things the pastor said that really touched my heart was, one of the ways to have true peace is to let God restore your soul in his way.

Whether it is the painful past that came back haunting me, or my fear about the future that is taking away the peace in my heart, God always has his way to fill that hole in my heart, as soon as I unmask the vulnerable me in front of him. And he always reminds me that he counts every single tear that I drop even though they are sometimes ridiculous tears :’)

I am going to recharge now by spending time with myself and God. Hope you know that I miss you and think about you even when I am not writing here. Love you and good night, dear Andy

(I met myself today, the headache psyduck)

I tried this skirt today, but didn’t buy it. what do you think?