Tape is on

hello Andy dear, how are you? I miss you, I want to hug you 🥺

My jet lag is still impacting me, I slept at almost 2am last night and it wasn’t a good sleep. So I took two very short naps throughout the day today.

Last night, after writing to you here about what happened with my chinese doctor, I kind of figured out how I wanted to reply to him. So I actually wrote to him last night before I slept. Here is a direct translation:

I don’t why I got triggered suddenly, I know you have been very nice and patient with me. To me, that is what I am even more thankful for than all the therapy sessions you gave me. But it’s also because of that, sometimes when you see through the inside of me intentionally or unintentionally, I got scared and emotional - sorry that I overacted earlier today. Even though I don’t want to admit it, I know it is my stubbornness to choose to exhaust myself to take care of others (I am starting to learn to improve on this). I don’t expect anyone to do the same in return for me, that’s why I also don’t want you to be the one who has to absorb any of my darkness.

I like thinking things (one of the things you always discover), and after thinking a lot, at the end of the day, I figured that I still like the guy whom I shared with you about before the most. I like you in a way that I want to see you happy, loved, grow, and success, same as how I like my closed friends and family. And I just want you to be yourself, while I’ll also continue to be better :)

This morning, he gave me a simple reply that he is sorry that he triggered me. He said he didn’t have any other negative meanings when he said that. He genuinely sees me as a friend and wants me to be happy. Then we moved on to other casual topics.

In what I wrote, “the guy whom I shared with you about before” is actually you. I don’t know why, but I just feel like saying that out to him. In fact, I feel like saying that to anyone who attempts to ask me relationship related questions.

I do ask myself if I was being “too much”. But I think I feel a bit more relieved after replying him and closing this topic with him this morning. But I somehow still feel very emotional inside and it’s like the water tape is on. So while the jet lag has been making me very drowsy and sleepy all day, whenever I feel slightly more energized or after I had the naps, I teared up quite a lot.

But I think the crying is good for me to release my emotions. Maybe I just need some time to be “sad”.

Tonight, I went out to have dinner with my secondary friends, because the girl whom I visited in Taiwan is back for a visit. It helped distract me from the emotion trigger for a bit.

Here is me. Miss you Andy, I want to hug you 🥺