How was your day, my dear Andy? Mine was relatively bearable.
But there’s something that is kind of troubling my mind. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share with you because I don’t know how you’d feel about it, but then I figured one of the things I always cherish the most about you is being able to tell you things without feeling judged, so I want to be open to you as much as I can.
I have been visiting a chinese doctor every Sunday for 3 weeks to help with my jaw and shoulder pain. This chinese doctor was recommended by my vocal teacher, he specialises in massage and bone setting. What I didn’t expect was that he’s also a relatively young and not so bad-looking guy, and because he is from Taiwan, his Cantonese is not that good and he’s also quite shy.
I’ve come to know myself enough that I tend to have a “crush” on guys who don’t sound very local/fluent in Cantonese and seem to be introverted from time to time. For example like Edison, or you, except on top of that, you are also super adorable when you’re being yourself, charming at the same time when you’re focused, and you have a kind heart that I admire, these make me having more than just a crush on you.
But it so happens that this chinese doctor also checks the boxes of being shy and speaking bad Cantonese that makes me think he’s quite cute. And in each session, there’s just a lot of massage and touching (proper ones when he helps me with stretching) and he likes to repeatedly ask me to “relax” gently whenever he’s touching me to do whatever he needs to do with my arms and neck and back.
While I almost feel like I have a “crush” on him, I find it frustrating at the same time for feeling that way because I know I am only getting these feelings because he looks like “my type” and that he touches me a lot. We don’t even chat much and I don’t even know what kind of person he is.
The reality probably is that I am not even emotionally available at all to “like” anyone else because my heart is full of you, and the reason that I am drawn by him is just because I am so desperate to feel loved through touching.
I am getting more sad as I write till here, because this is starting to remind me about what happened with Edwin. I will continue to meet him every week for maybe a few more times, but this chinese doctor seems to be a professional one and he probably has a lot of patients and I am just one of the many.
On and off I would ask myself maybe I should go on some casual dating and see how it goes. But we both know that what I truly want is a relationship with deep connections not just physically but also emotionally and spiritually. I should already know that if I go on some casual dating, I will just end up hurting myself and those people, like what Edwin did to me and I don’t want to fall into that trap and go through that again, or do that to anyone.
I wish I can just touch you again Andy, even if it’s just a hug. Every time we touched, I always felt more than just the physical or sexual, but the indescribable warmth and comfort that only you could give, it’s as if we’re connected as we touch.
I miss you very much.
PS: I couldn’t sleep well thinking about this kind of stuff, when I woke up at 5ish I saw this beautiful sunrise.
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