The dark Hannah

hello dear, how are you? miss you.

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday - I was having a slightly tough day.

I don’t know why that it seems like every now and then, I would get into this “dark Hannah” mode where I just feel so cynical and agitated about everything. I was on my bus back home yesterday morning after my chinese doctor appointment and suddenly all I felt was that I wanted to go on a drive and go as fast as I could, and I hated the whole world and I just wanted to end it (haha). What’s even more edgy is that in my head, I criticise myself at the same time for being so cynical and not loving. And with all that’s going on in my head, I became the coldest robot.

That’s why I didn’t want to write here last night, because I don’t like the robot Hannah. And occasionally I would have this heart squeezing feeling, it’s like there’s some pain inside me that I couldn’t express. It was such an uncomfortable and the worst is, I really wanted to cry it out to relieve myself but I couldn’t.

So before I went to sleep last night when I usually would write here, I decided not to do anything and just lied down and let my emotions “flow” through me. I ended up crying out so much tears. I felt slightly better afterwards that I was peaceful enough to fall asleep. But when I woke up this morning, I felt the agitation again, and I had to repeat the same process to try to ease my heart before going on with my day.

If I am being completely vulnerable, to me, dealing with this dark, hard-hearted Hannah is probably even more uneasy than dealing with the emotional, depressed Hannah. It’s like there’re constantly a hundred voices of complaints and shouting all happening in my head at the same time, and I have to use all my energy to find that one small voice among the hundred that isn’t yelling but calming and gently speaking from the deepest part of my heart.

Miss you, Andy. I guess you are probably familiar with this edgy, grumpy, hangry, cynical Hannah. And somehow you always found a way to bring back the soft-hearted Hannah.

I hope I will feel better in the next few days. Especially that I am going to Taiwan soon for 4 days from Thursday, I hope this alone time will allow me to recover from all the noises inside out.

Still want to show you the robot me who went in the office today. Good night Andy, miss you.