Hello my dear, how was your weekend?
I am sorry that I’ve been silent since Thursday. It’s not because I don’t miss you or think about you, it’s because I was going through quite a bit internally.
I still haven’t figured out why, maybe it was a depression episode (?), but I suddenly had 5-6 mental breakdown with pretty bad crying on Friday when I thought I was doing okay on Thursday. They were all triggered by really small things that I don’t even remember all of them anymore now. For example, one of them was triggered by that Howe forgot to include me in an email at work…yeah it definitely sounds ridiculous to be crying over that.
The more significant trigger was probably that my brother’s girlfriend came and slept over at my home on Friday night. At first my brother only told me that she’s visiting, then he asked me through messages (when I was just in the next room) if she could stay over very late at night.
I actually am already quite familiar with his gf because we’ve met so many times. But I don’t know why I still felt so uncomfortable when we three were having dinner at our home that night, I went back in my room immediately after dinner to cry while I could hear them whispering and laughing outside.
At that moment, my mind was flooded with these thoughts that breaks my own heart: I felt like I am disturbing them by staying at my own home and they would wish me not to be there. I felt like despite how hard I grow and want to be a kind and lovable person, I am still not good or attractive enough to be loved and chosen by anyone, and at the end of the day I am just being the oddest person on earth on a Friday night. I felt like I am a mistake.
It was one of the worst kind of cry. I was crying secretly and almost suffocating myself in the blanket. The cry just became so uncontrollable, and yet I was stressing out at the same time that they might discover if they came in.
I got to a point where I was just really exhausted from the breakdown and crying, I decided to force myself to shut my mind off and not think or feel my emotions. That’s why I didn’t write here the last two days, because I knew I would start tearing up as I open up my heart and I was just too scared and tired of me crying.
I did quite a few things while I “put aside” my thoughts on Saturday, I met with Jojo and Ah Wing for breakfast, practiced singing, watched Netflix, and did some grocery shopping.
I felt those “distractions” are what I needed at that state. As the last two days went by, I still teared up for a bit on and off, but it’s mainly because I started to hear these small voices in my heart that are responding and countering those thoughts I had on Friday night.
I have this habit of reading a short passage and prayer from a devotional book for depression every morning. And the prayer of today (Sunday) was to ask God to help us see our lives through his eyes. It reminded me of how I used to share here about asking God to “lend me his lens” so that I can see things in a different perspective in the midst of my depression.
I imagine God’s response to me on those thoughts that I have would be like this: I am definitely not a mistake because I am one of his most beautiful creation, and I am definitely not unloved because the truth is he loved me at my darkest, and he never for a second sees me as the odd one.
My dearest Andy, sometimes our emotions are so overwhelming that it feels as if they are everything and the reality. I am not saying we should deny our feelings, but the truth is, as real as they are, they don’t represent the truth. And sometimes no matter how hard it is, we just need to remind ourselves of what the truth is in our own overwhelming world of emotions.
I feel that as I navigate through my depression, I am struggling and practicing this at the same time, and it is not easy. I hope that as I remind myself on this, it will be an inspiring sharing for you too, because you are the person I care the most about.
Love you, my dear Andy. :)
Ending this long post with some pics of the weekend:
留言