The different kind of confession

hello dear, how are you? I miss you.

I started crying / feel like crying nonstop again since yesterday night. I don’t really know why, I guess it’s because I accumulated a lot of emotions inside me again without realising. It’s reflected physically too, I have random body aches all over me, even my chinese doctor helped me relax few days ago, I am feeling the tension again.

I went to have vocal class earlier today, but I couldn’t really project my voice properly. And half way through the class, I don’t know why I suddenly felt like crying again. It’s like I couldn’t breathe unless I cry. But I didn’t want to cry in front of my teacher, so I told him I think I need to take a break because I suddenly feel like crying.

My vocal teacher has counselling background, I think he understands what’s going on with me internally. He said the same as what my chinese doctor told me before, that crying is a way for your body to release tension and toxins, and he encouraged me to cry it out. That’s why now that I am back home, I immediately hide inside my bed to cry.

I kind of agree too that I feel better every time I cried. But it’s just that it also makes me feel really tired physically and mentally to cry for so long time and so often. And sometimes I am also worried that my brother’ll find out.

I actually cried for the whole night yesterday. During my crying, I realised perhaps the internal tension my body is caused by suppressing my feelings and not expressing them. So I wrote down some words on my notes that I imagined myself saying to Edison.

I feel more at peace after writing these out. I guess it’s because it helps clear my mind, to understand where the affection I have been feeling for him actually comes from. I wanted to share these with him but also felt that I shouldn’t, because I don’t like being vulnerable and I don’t know how he will take it. I also don’t want him to misunderstand it as a romantic confession. But even though he might “run away” because I know his personality that he’s scared of handling emotional situations, I don’t know why I just really have this feeling that I should send it out. My heart tells me that I should be brave to embrace love and express appreciation while we still can, and I just genuinely want him to know that I am glad to have him alongside all these times. I also think it’s good for me to practice opening up to people that I trust and feel comfortable with.

So I finally found a right chance to share with him just now in the evening. We were texting about some random work stuff, I decided to take this chance because he seemed to be quite responsive.

When I wrote it out in our chat, I decided to tone down a bit to sound lighter and more natural. As I expected Edison to be the very rational Edison, his first response was some logical solution/advice, haha. But I guess that’s what I “like” about him, unlike how most people would try to give a heartwarming response that might have a bounce back effect for me, Edison always gives the “sane” answers. But you also know that is his way to show his support and care.

I wanted to give credit to myself because it actually took me a lot of courage to send that long message out. As you know, I am very bad at opening up and being vulnerable with others.

Miss you a lot, Andy dear. I miss the feeling of hugging you tight, it always made me feel everything will be alright.