Sorry that I haven't written in the last few days.
Every time I discover something that triggers me, I feel this immense pain in my heart. Inside that pain, there's a lot of tears, hurt, grip stress, anger, breathlessness, and 'why'. It then leads to an overflow of images in my head where these pain are being visualised. Visualised in ways like: Self-harming. Cuts and drugs. Me being unconscious on a hospital bed because I failed the attempts.
It's a very dark place to be in.
I am scared of writing to you because I don't have the strength yet to channel my emotions and thoughts into words. And I can't pretend that I am okay in front of you.
I could've just written about how the UK is or what I've done here, but it feels rather meaningless to me to write like a robot reporter or make this place like social media. I don't want to lie to you.
Before I went to bed tonight, I was listening to the message at church in HK from last Sunday because if there's any way that could help me regain strength, it would be from God.
The pastor talked about 'thoughts' this week and he said, Most of life's battle is fought in the mind.
He said, we need to able to identify what our greatest strongholds (triggers/patterns of thoughts) are and name the truth that sets us free from them.
It reminds me of how I had to repeat 100 times to myself: 'I am loved, God sees my tears, he hears me, he is with me, I am not alone.' so to break free from that series of self destructive thoughts and breathlessness the other night.
We all have thoughts that we get stuck with, chains that we need to break. And you know what's the trickiest? Only we ourselves can do that, because only we know our own thoughts, only we can talk ourselves out of those thoughts. We got to learn to control our own thoughts, because ultimately what we think affects how we live.
Sorry that this is a heavy post. As I always said I'd choose to be vulnerable in front of you instead of pretending things are okay. I am tough. I go through countless battles everyday and it doesn't aways feel like winning. But what I tell myself is, it's okay to be weak, but don't give up. You can withdraw yourself and let all the pain weigh on you if that's what you are feeling, but we got to pick it up again and keep trying.
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