Thoughts

hello dear, how are you? I miss you.

Sorry that I didn’t write here yesterday, I still wasn’t feeling very well mentally the whole day yesterday. I felt very heavy hearted and I cried quite a lot when I went to bed at night. That made me feel very exhausted so I slept early and skipped writing.

I have just been thinking a lot about things again, my life in a few years time - career, finance, family, my mental and physical health, my church life, my singleness etc.

I shared here in the last few weeks about how I felt like I have been in a “wilderness” season since I came back from my Europe trip. It feels like I am not making any progress in any aspect of my life. And that got me into a very (and perhaps overly) reflective mood, where I start to ask myself a lot of big questions like, am I on the “right” track in life? am I pushing myself hard enough to do better, or am I pushing myself too hard to achieve? when will I not be single? will I ever be not single? am I at peace with myself, how I manage my fluctuating mental state, and potentially having to live with that for the rest of my life?

Asking these questions somehow makes me feel very tiny, especially when I realise my everyday life still has to go on while these questions remain unanswered.

But yesterday when I was at church, I felt that God once again met me in this very lost moment. He didn’t give me a straightforward answer to all my questions, but he reminded me that he is a God who is always on time. He sees and knows me, and just because I feel like I am in a “wilderness” season, it doesn’t mean that he has left me there alone. He is still working things out for me just as he always has been, whether it is within me or things around me that I may not even be able to see or notice.

Even though I still feel like these big questions I have in my mind are important to process and reflect on and I don’t want myself to simply just escape from them, I understand that I shouldn’t let myself be swollen by them. So I told myself to shift some of my mind to focus on things that are more grounded to the present but still bring deeper meaning to me.

For example, my mom’s birthday is this Saturday. I already reserved that day to spend time with her, but I also think perhaps I can prepare something tangible for her. And my brother’s girlfriend actually got a number painting drawing that is our family portrait months ago and is still unfinished. So I thought it would be a nice gift for her to bring back to the UK, and now I am rushing to finish it secretly every night.

Sorry that this is a slightly heavier post today. Whenever I think about these things, I do think a lot (extensively) about you.

Miss you, dear. Love you and Good night.

went into the office today, my eyes look swollen