How are you, my dear Andy?
It feels good for me to be back to London - the packed and noisy tube, the diverse look of people on the streets yet mostly with a long face, it all feels (surprisingly) comfortable to me.
I was too tired yesterday to share more about what I reflected as I traveled, so thought I’d share it today.
One of the themes that has been revolving in my mind recently is about acceptance.
I always look forward that one day you’d reach to me about how you have been. But on and off I would ask myself, if that day finally comes when I get to hear all your stories, how would I feel about them?
There were periods in the past one year that I was filled with jealousy and bitterness - around the time when the Edwin incident happened and when my brother and Vienna started dating. I think at that time, I would imagine myself reacting in the same way if I heard your stories - feeling a lot of negative emotions that are out of jealousy and bitterness.
But in the last few weeks/month, I feel that I am going through this process where God slowly washes away these bitterness and jealousy in my heart. In fact most of the time it is not through any tangible things or changes that I observed. It is often as I choose to go to him in the most vulnerable, broken form, he wraps me around with love of acceptance that makes me feel safe enough to let go of those bitterness and wounds inside me.
I remember I shared with you in one of the recent posts that we can never change the past. But I believe that God is always able to offer us a second chance. And I just feel incredibly grateful when I see how he does that in my life.
My dearest Andy, if you ever think you’ve gone too far from making things right because you’ve made a lot of wrong or regretful choices in life, and that probably no one will accept you if they know what you’ve done, those really are just lies that your head is trying to deceive you.
I don't like how people say "Don't look back", because the reality is, the past has made us who we are today. When we’ve gone through enough, how is it even reasonable to force ourselves to pretend that none of those in the past happened?
But God helped me understand that, what truly makes us who we are today is not those regretful past mistakes and painful consequences that came with it, it is those unique lessons and precious characters we’ve gained through our past. And when we look back, as we all do at some point, it doesn’t have to mean we are bound by our past and have to sink in that deep pain forever. It means it is time to remind ourselves that every day, every minute, every moment, we are given the choice to live out those lessons and characters that the past has taught us.
I guess what I really wanted to tell you today is, my dear Andy, when I say I really love you, I mean I love you as who you were and have been. You never have to try to “erase” any of your past for me to accept you. No matter what stories you have been carrying with you, all I am looking forward to is the day that I can wrap you with the biggest hug I can ever give.
Love you. ❤️🩹
PS: it’s finally warm enough for me to wear this new skirt. I am heading out to watch a musical today :)
And the moment I suddenly noticed that all I could see from my reflection in the tube was my legs, hahaha.
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