Tipsy Hannah

hello dear, how are you? I miss you 🥺

Since Saturday, I have been in this self doubt mode thinking about the “baby Hannah” name. On one hand, I feel really emo that I feel very lost and doubtful about myself. But on the other hand, I feel that I am so silly to be stuck in this for so long.

And on Sunday night, I went out with my therapist friend (Kristy) and Nicole (the girl I sang with) to celebrate Nicole’s birthday. We went to a cocktail bar and because I was feeling so emo, I went for a cocktail even though knowing that I regret drinking almost every time afterwards because I am so sensitive to alcohol.

I didn’t even finish the whole drink, but I was already tipsy. Took these in the toilet in the bar.

Everyone reacts differently after drinking. For me, I just become even more quiet than I already am and look super sleepy, but within me, my brain just starts running uncontrollably. On my bus ride back home, I had to listen to songs that are so “complicated” to match how stimulated my brain is. And when I got off my bus, instead of going up home, I walked out to the promenade and jumped up to the barrier next to the sea. I remember I was thinking that I wanted to take a photo of the waves (so random..) but luckily my phone ran out of battery, and I headed back home.

Now that I think about it, it’s actually quite dangerous because I remember one of the trillion running thoughts I had was “what if I just fell off to the sea”. I also was probably not walking steadily, so my phone out of battery probably saved me.

I actually felt very tired when I went to bed last night, especially because I haven’t really been sleeping well for the last few days. But when I tried to sleep, my brain just couldn’t stop running. This happens to me from time to time, but with alcohol, it feels different. The thoughts are even more dangerous and uncontrollable. I felt like I fell back in that same dark hole that was so deep and endless. I remember I started crying because I feel like what’s on my mind is so scary and it made me feel breathless.

I think I gradually calmed down and got a bit of sleep, but I still woke up feeling the hangover the rest of day. It’s kinda bad because I had an external online meeting in the morning that I had to present something, but I definitely sounded off compared to my usual, and I looked so sleepy.

After 24 hours, I am finally feeling better and more awakened and calm. It all sounds miserable and I guess I really should learn not to do this again especially on a Sunday evening. But I also wanted to share that even though I drilled myself into this self doubt destructive mode, God has been with me and trying to keep me safe and comfort me through different ways.

My therapist friend gave me a letter when we had dinner. I don’t really know why, but she wrote a lot about thanking me to allow her to walk with me along this journey as a friend in the past few years. And in her letter, she specifically listed out qualities she sees in me, she said I am kind, loving, faithful, reliable, smart, good at problem solving, detailed, supportive, mature etc. She also said I might have become very different since we met each other in secondary school, but she really wants me to know that whether it is the me in the past or the me now, I am still her good friend whom she likes a lot.

She didn’t know what I was going through at all in the last few days, but her letter was just so timely as a comfort and encouragement for self doubt me.

I guess I am still digesting and slowly walking out from that self doubt state. But I feel that God has been trying to reach my heart to soften it bit by bit, and it’s okay for me to take time.

Miss you,