hello, it’s 4ish am here in the UK now, and I am awake. I guess it’s because deep down I am still quite nervous about coming back to HK again.
Every time I travel between the UK and HK, it makes me think about the question of which place I want to settle in eventually. In fact, my dad asked me several times during this trip as well if I will come over in the foreseeable future. I can tell he really wants me to come, but all I could tell him is I don’t have any plans yet.
I guess I still feel so torn when I get asked about this question. There are things that are challenging for me to tolerate in both places.
In HK, I guess I will always feel like an “alien” even when I am not supposed to be one. I don’t know why I just find it hard to fit in to the place/culture, and I am always overwhelmed by the way people might look at me on the street, or even just hearing Cantonese everywhere. It makes me just want to hide myself from the world whenever I am in HK. I don’t get this uncomfortable feeling when I am in the UK even when I am supposed to be less fit in here. But I feel more “free” to be different here, maybe because there’s less pressure to conform to the society.
Obviously there’re a lot of things that I prefer in HK over UK, like food for example. And another thing is that after experiencing emotional issues when I was living in Kingston alone, I kind of lost my confidence in staying in the UK, even though I know that was not the only reason that caused my mental issues.
Another reson is I guess do also feel better about being physically “closer” to you if I am in HK. I do miss you very very much, and as much as I can, I’d want to stay close to you.
So I guess I still don’t really have a clear and short answer whenever I get asked if I prefer HK or UK, or what my medium-long term plan is. It is one of the things that I feel too overwhelmed most of the time to think about. In the past, I think I would be really stressed out by topics about the uncertain future like this. But I am learning to let God lead me on the journey and see where life takes me.
Miss you and love you. See you at the other side of the world.
(I ran out of photos again, here is me helping my dad fix all kinds of stuff in the house)
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