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Something seems to be going wrong with this site, and it's caused me anxiety.

I am going through a lot internally.

Today Vienna told me that she got a new boyfriend. She met him at the gym, and he is same age as me. She highlighted to me about his age because she is actually 36 years old, so they are 8-9 years apart. My brother and her both broke up around the same time last year, yet both of them now are starting a new relationship.

Few months ago, Vincent also shared during a dinner that he successfully proposed to his girlfriend. Everyone else then spent that whole dinner talking about how they proposed or got proposed. I was the only one who not only had nothing to say, but also felt so uncomfortable deep inside. Later on, he by chance told me that the girl is actually at the same age as me, while Vincent is probably 40. They have only been together for 2-3 years.

So when Vienna told me about her boyfriend today, and she is probably my last close friend who was single, I feel happy for her because I know she's been longing to be in a relationship. But I can't deny the loneliness and disappointment I feel within.

I am very scared of this feeling of loneliness, because it was that same bitterness that drove me into all the wrong choices I made with Edwin. And I don't want to repeat the same mistakes of finding a wrong way out that have in the end caused me so much hurting.

Why does everyone else seem to be getting what they want, but I don't? They are all couples with some age gaps, why can't mine happen too? Why does God put me in this single, waiting season for so long? Does he not hear my crying? Does he not see my broken heart and know what I need?

I remember someone once shared this: The God we Christians believe in is a God who welcomes any questions. He is more than eager to give you all the answers as you seek him.

I guess you would find it weird that some days I have some really positive sharing, and some days it's almost as if I am in the deepest pit. Perhaps that is how life is.