- Aug 5
- 3 min read

Untitled

Hello.

Sorry that I haven’t written here for the past 5 days.

There has been too much going on in my mind that I couldn’t cope with, and I chose to run away.

I was texting with Edison last week about which flight to take, which hotel to stay at when we’re in Bangkok. We were sending each other links and talking about which room looks nicer. He even mentioned which one has a nicer rooftop bar view.

It all feels so wrong. It’s messing with my brain.

And do you know what is the most torturous part of this all? These endless mind battles and rumination are all happening in my head only. I pretend to be perfectly normal on the outside. But inside, I was recalling how this sounded exactly like the convo I had with Edwin before the night we “slept” together, how years ago Edison ditched me and hurt me without even knowing that he did so and I would probably never find out if he ever had anything for me.

And in the midst of all this, what my heart is really crying out was, how much I wish I was having all these talk about hotel rooms and stuff with you, but not any other guys. My heart turned bitter.

I asked my brother to take me to the same drive that Edison used to bring me on Saturday at Big Way Bay, with the coffee that we both like a lot. When I dine out with my brother and his gf at night, I ordered an alcohol drink even though I have been having 3 days of diarrhoea. With my allergies to alcohol, I felt dizzy and racing heartbeat very soon after I finished half of it, then headache that kept me awake till 3am. I regretted it so much when I woke up this morning.

And you know what? It really isn’t about the activities that I do, but why I was doing them. I needed to actualise the pain and anxiety I feel in my heart. The pain and anxiety that I feel because of my own mind, that no one understands and bothers to empathise, and even I despise myself.

That was the state that I was at when I walked into church today, feeling like I am the most hopeless person for anyone to save. But God really has his own way to meet the heart of people like me.

The church talked about anxiety today. What really struck me that the pastor shared was: The moment you accept your emotions is also the moment they stop terrifying you.

Sometimes, I don’t even notice that I am most terrified by myself. My overthinking mind that likes to play out all the possible scenarios, especially the worst whenever there’s a trigger. Then we try to calm ourselves from anxiety by repeatedly telling ourselves not to worry. We thought by avoiding it, we’d relieve ourselves from our anxious mind, but we just ended up amplifying them.

Perhaps the way to tackle it is by starting to acknowledge our anxieties, lay them all out honestly in front of God and people we trust, and accept that this is the state that our mind is in, but at the same time prepare ourselves to fight this mind battle.

The pastor closed by encouraging us that we are not alone in this. I resisted that at first, because if this is a mind battle, how am I not alone in this? But then I thought about how hopeless I was when I went into church this morning and that God brought this entire message about anxiety that speaks right to my heart. He has been with me as I go through all these internal battles that no one sees.

I have a lot to heal from, but perhaps mostly from myself. And I know that the process won’t start until I accept every bit of my emotions, regardless of where they come from.

PS. I went to choose the zi mui dress I will wear for my therapist friend’s wedding in December. I picked this style in the end.