I’ve been finding it difficult to write anything down here in the last few days. At first, I thought it was because I was trying to run away from my swirling mind, but then I realised what I really have been trying to run away from is you.
I think extensively about how you may feel reading what I wrote every time I put something here. Most of the time, I worry about if my writing is too boring, too serious, too heavy, too unimportant. Other times I ask if it hurts you too when I try to hurt myself, or does it worry you whenever I tell you about my breakdowns.
Do you know what I realise after that last chinese doctor session on Monday and all the interactions I have had with Edison as the trip approaches? Even if one day I finally meet a guy who does not hurt me like Edison, Neil, and Edwin did, who genuinely treats me with care and love, even if one day I finally feel ready to open my heart to be loved again, the first thought I’ll always have is, I wish that’ll be you.
I wish it’ll be you that I can talk to whenever something’s troubling my mind, I wish it’ll be you who give me a hug whenever I feel hurt, I wish it’ll be you who have brunch with me on a chill weekend, I wish it’ll be you who watch Netflix with me at night, I wish it’ll be you who give me my first sex, I wish it’ll be you who stand by me as I grow to be the brighter stronger person that I know I can become.
All I wish to have from you is your presence, Andy. And it saddens me to be in the reality that I can only let you know about my struggles at work and relationships or my encounter with other guys here over a website, and let you feel my mood through my singing and rubbish English writing.
And as much as I love you, Andy, I feel I am losing the words to say to you here. And it breaks my heart more than ever to feel that way, because even if this has become the only way for me to connect with you for the last two years, everything I have put here for you is probably the most precious thing I can ever give to anyone, from the innermost part of my soul.
I think I need some time to figure out what is happening with me. It may mean I am writing less here, or I sound different from usual as I write.
Aside from my upcoming trip to Thailand with Edison on 11-16/8, I also just booked a trip to Taipei for 22-24/8, mainly because I need that trip to meet the status points for being a silver CX member by end of the month. I’ll travel alone but visit a friend who stays there.
You are the person I love the most in this world, Andy. You will probably never lose your place in my heart even if you want to. I hope you will never doubt that even when I am not always capable of making you feel that way.
Goodnight, dear.
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