As I wake up this morning and realise tomorrow this time I’ll already be setting off for the trip, I start to feel really nervous.
I ask myself what really is the reason I feel nervous. I clearly no longer like Edison the way I used to. But the kind of nerves I feel is the same as how I used to feel whenever I went out with him. It’s the nerves of worrying about how he would think of me, that I would do something stupid in front of him. Ultimately, it stems from the self-doubt I have had ever since I saw myself failing to impress him and win his affection years ago.
I can’t help but ask God why does he allow this trip to happen, that I have to go through all these internal turmoil. Not just this trip but also me visiting back Paris in a few weeks on Sree’s birthday, my encounter with the Chinese doctor etc
In tears, I feel God’s response that in the midst of all these, he wants me to experience healing in him. I may not be able to see how for now, but I know that the God I know and experienced is a God who only wants to heal our hearts but not hurt it, that is his love for us.
Went out to a coffee shop alone yesterday and randomly picked a book at the cafe to read. The caption there says: If your world is raining, don’t mind getting an umbrella.
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