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I was supposed to have vocal class today but when I met my teacher, I felt like sharing with him about what’s been going on between me and my chinese doctor instead, because he was the one who recommended this chinese doctor to me that he also visits, and he’s the only common person who knows him. So we ended up chatting instead of having the class.

My vocal teacher is actually also a counsellor, so I thought I should feel easier to open up and talk about these things in front of him. I guess compared with talking with a friend (like Vienna or even my therapist friend), I did feel more “comfortable” sharing my stories and thoughts with him without worrying that I’d be judged. But then as he asked me to share some deeper insights or thoughts, I noticed that I subconsciously hesitated and struggled to be completely honest with him, because I realised if I have to make him “understand” me or why I said or think certain things, I’d have to touch on what kind of person I am, my depression situation, and you.

I am glad that I chatted with him and he did help clear my mind a little bit related to the Chinese doctor. His advice basically was that if I really am that curious to find out what the Chinese doctor is thinking, all I can do is wait for time to tell unfortunately. Because he is the one who has a girlfriend and the “ball” is on him. But meanwhile, I can be as nice as I want to be to him if that’s what I want to do, unless he’s starting to refuse that.

But putting aside his advice, I felt unexpectedly down as I came out from the conversation. It was like all my energy was drained from having to open up and share with him what’s troubling me.

It frustrates me to realise that even though I’ve put in my best effort, I am still so far from being able to be honest and vulnerable in front of him (or anyone) because I just have too many reasons not to. I feel like my real thoughts and feelings are just so heavy that I will never be comfortable or brave enough to talk about them in front of anyone. And even if I do, I don’t want to be anyone’s burden. But at the same time, I blame myself for putting up the “mask” and not being honest enough to connect with people.

I guess these are all part of my depression. But it feels so frustrating when I don’t know what I can do to get out of this loop.

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would you give me a hug, Andy?