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hello.

After 48 hours, I finally feel that I recovered from the anxiety attack. I suspect that it has to do with my period hormones as well. But I was experiencing all kinds of symptoms, I even felt triggered and sensitive when I saw just a random Asian guy on the street, I couldn’t breathe and my racing heartbeat made my hands shaking.

I told Vienna and the chinese doctor about the situation last night because I was too panic and they were the only two who know about Edwin. They both tried to calm me down. I told the chinese doctor that I just don’t understand why Edwin still finds me when I already rejected him quite clearly back in March when he reached out to me. He said sometimes there are things in life that we don’t have answers for, but it doesn’t mean that we have to be stuck because of that. He reminded me to live in the present and don’t look back in anger. His words did clear out my anxious mind a little bit at that moment.

My rational mind actually knows that I am “safe”, because I actually was already headed to Manchester to meet my parents today. But I was just overwhelmed by fear without any reason. I feel like I recovered gradually as I took my train to Manchester. Vienna encouraged me that I will learn to cope with my anxiety attack better and better each time.

I am grateful for having both of them to help me. It’s extremely uneasy for me to open up, but I am learning to do it bit by bit.

And then later today, I heard from Rubychu that there’ve been some major changes in her life. She separated from her husband (if you remember they married two years ago when I was in the UK). There’re quite a few things that happened in the last two months that led to this move for her. I have been quite distant from her and Jojo for a long time, so I didn’t know about this until Jojo hinted to me during this trip that maybe I can catch up with her.

I don’t want to disclose too much of her story. But basically she’s realised that he is not the right one and she finally decided that she doesn’t want to waste each other’s time. She shared it’s a painful decision, but more than that she feels guilty too for not doing it earlier.

When I heard about what happened, my first reaction was not really about how I see or access her situation, I just want her to know I empathise the guilt and shame she is carrying. I reply her with this just now:

we are all broken people carrying a lot of wounds and wrongdoings that we think we have to bear. you are not alone dealing with the immense guilt and shame. know that you are still as lovable as you always have been.

I don’t have a lot to give because I am so broken too, but right now, I just really want to give all that I have to the people around me who are distressed, lonely, or just need some love. You are definitely one who is in my heart that I want to give a hug to.

Miss you and love you.