Untitled

hello my dear, how are you? I hope you’re staying safe under the typhoon.

I miss you extra today. My emotional state wasn’t very good today, it’s just a lot of little things here and there that kept making me feel triggered I guess.

Edison invited me to go in the office today because they are testing some steamers and he asked me to bring some siumai for the test. I guess I was supposed to enjoy this whole thing. But this experience, especially that it is Edison who makes them, reminds me of the times that you would make me siumai and it just makes me really really miss you.

And when we went out for lunch, we passed by Nutmad and found out that they’ve closed down that new store in the new building. I am not sure if you remember, it was one of my favourite restaurants to go with you nearby our office, especially after they moved to that new location. I haven’t actually been there since we last went, because I know it’ll bring back a lot of memories and make me miss you too much. But still, when I saw that notice today that it won’t be there anymore, it made me feel really sad inside.

Work has been getting a little bit stressful too again lately, there’re some projects that require me to step up further, and I am just not sure if I am ready for it or if I even want to go down that path. Maybe I can share a little bit more in another post for another day. I also haven’t figured out my upcoming trip to Frankfurt. My UK boss asked me about that yesterday. My parents also just booked their tickets to HK earlier this evening, they will be here mid Jan to early April, for 2.5 months. Yet I am still feeling scared to think/plan about mine.

I guess what is actually stressing me out is not really just this single trip. I know that my avoidance on this is just revealing my deeper fear of thinking about the “future”. And I am just trying to push it out and don’t want to make a decision, and at the same time I am scared of how that fear or other emotions might overwhelm me when I finally decided to face them.

I guess because I was already carrying a lot of emotions today, when I got home, I was also less tolerant and more easily triggered by the things that my brother did and said. For example, he was on a call with his girlfriend, and he went to pee in the toilet without closing the door. But I happened to come out from my room which is exactly opposite to the toilet, so I was (of course) a bit frightened and I asked why did he not close the door. What I didn’t expect was he asked me back why did I come out from my room. Maybe he was just joking or trying to defend himself, but that ask somehow triggered my deeper emotions that I feel me (& the family & the house) will always be a lower priority for him compared to his girlfriend and work, and me being in the house is a “burden” for him.

Till this point, I already know that I am having these extreme thoughts because my emotional state isn’t stable, and I don’t want myself to react any further. So I went back to my room afterwards and I just wanted to have some quiet time to let these emotions past.

Maybe it reads like to you that these are all just very tiny things to be bothered by. I hope you don’t mind me sharing them with you. I guess I just miss you extra really on a day like this. I miss that I used to share these little things that happened inside my mind and heart whenever we met. You were always a patient listener to me, and my favourite best friend.

😢 Miss you, Andy. Hug?