Twisted mind

hello, how are you my dear? I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit quiet for the last few days.

I still haven’t been feeling very good, there’re these intense emotions swirling inside me that I don’t know how to process, it’s like all my thoughts and emotions are twisted in my mind and I can’t figure out how to untie them. Because I don’t know how to deal with it, I withdrew myself by pushing away these emotions.

For the last few days, I feel like I turned on an “auto pilot” mode so that I could manage my everyday day life, like work, my brother, the chores etc. I seemed “functional” but the auto pilot mode has side effects too. The more I push my emotional side away, the more intense it bounces back whenever I put my guard down. Sometimes I would suddenly tear up without knowing exactly why. Sometimes I would suddenly feel this gripping feeling inside that triggers me to have some extreme and reckless thoughts, and they are scary.

I really want to talk everything out with you here or at least find some ways to release a bit of this internal tension that I am experiencing, but I don’t even know how.

I don’t know why I am suddenly feeling all these hurt and disappointment that came from all these random places in my heart and it’s weighing me down. It’s like as if the whole world hurt me, different people, big or small things, intentionally or not, that’s what I feel anyway. And as they got bottled up, it forms this deeper fear inside me that this heavy feeling of disappointment is something that I will always have to deal with no matter where I go, as long as I live. And I just don’t know how I am going to do that.

I don’t want to think about my February trip because I am scared of it. I don’t know what to expect from it. Even though I’ve done it so many times, I am still scared of travelling alone, deep down I still hope it could be different. It is the emotional turmoil I have to go through even though I know I always come back strong each time.

This morning I woke up early, and I was trying to lay down these feelings to God. I wrote down these words for myself:

My dearest Hannah, you can feel disappointed by the world. But I hope you will hold on to the faith that God is good, and he loves you more than you can feel. So run into him, my dear. He will always welcome you with open arms to heal that broken piece in you.

I hope I will be able to figure things out soon.

I miss you a lot, dear Andy. I really do.