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I got back to London last night, it's the last stop of my 1-month trip.

Tonight I had dinner with a 'friend', I mentioned about him long long time ago. He is my bachelor degree uni mate, we are actually not close at all and only follow each other on Instagram. But he is one of the few people I know who lives in outskirt of London, so just to be nice I would meet him once every time I visit London.

But I actually don't enjoy hanging out with him even as a friend. I feel that I always have to repeat myself 3-4 times to make him understand what I said, and those are not even deep topics. He kept asking me if I prefer to be in HK or the UK. I already said several times that it's not that straightforward to choose because there're things I like in both places, but he just kept repeating the question and I was a bit annoyed.

I also don't like how he would suggest a lot of things just because I am a girl. For example I took a quick snap of the dessert we had, and he asked if I have a foodie account. I guess he's trying to be friendly but internally I got offended that he thinks I'm the kind of people who'd open a foodie account.

Then when we were walking on the street, I don't know why I related the scenario to that night when I first had dinner with Edwin. I suddenly felt really uncomfortable in my gut that I felt very nauseous. Rationally, I don't think this guy would do anything to me, but I don't know why I still felt so suffocated by all the possible things that he could do to me in that situation. I had to lie that I felt tired from all the travelling and wanted to rest early.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I am frustrated with myself that I can be so easily triggered just because of that one incident with Edwin. It's not just tonight. Even that Maltese uncle who asked me over whatsapp if I wanted to meet him again the next day, I was so alerted and stressed by invite (obviously I refused politely).

Maybe this is what people call as trauma and I just can't even hang out normally with a male anymore (Jason was an exception because he has a boyfriend). It frustrates me because I also feel bad for guys who are friendly and don't mind being friends with me.

I miss you. I wish I could at least talk this out with you. I have no one else that I feel safe enough to share about this really dark story.

Also I don't know if you saw, there's a foreign celebrity in HK who suicided and it's all over the news and social media. I honestly hate it that the world would just post about this as a piece of news and people would casually leave a "RIP" in the comments.m, as if they personally knew him and understood what he's gone through. They don't know how it feels like for people who have/had similar thoughts to be forced to read these.

I guess I'm gonna sleep with a really heavy heart tonight.