Why did you doubt?

Since Sunday, I've been clouded by this bitter, distressed feeling that makes me just want to isolate myself. I took some time off from work as I wasn't productive anyway. I spent those hours ruminating and griping internally within myself.

I did that while mindlessly playing a phone game for hours. And at one point, there was this voice in my heart that felt like to be Jesus speaking to me. The voice asked, "Do you want to talk?" And I replied "No. I am angry at you."

That was how bitter I was, I dared to bluntly "say" to God that I am angry. I just wanted to push away everyone and everything, and I am just so tired of crying.

Then last night, I was resistant but I still blind-heartedly scrolled through a devotional plan since that's my daily routine anyway. And I came across this question in the Bible that was asked by Jesus: "Oh you little faith, why did you doubt?" and it hit my heart so sharply.

It's not the first time I came across this bit of the Bible and I've always felt a tone of rebuke in the question. But last night, it was different. It was asked in my heart in a compassionate, sincere tone: Hannah, why did you doubt?

Following that were more questions asked gently: Do you remember why you are at where you are now? Do you remember how we got to this place, in the last 625 days? And all of a sudden, my mind was flooded with those specific moments that God showed up when I didn't know what to do.

I remember 2 years ago, the following Sunday after you told me from the UK that you decided to get back with your girlfriend. I went to God, fully surrendered with a broken heart, and had no idea of what I should do next - Should I continue to love this guy? or should I "teach him a lesson"? And he ended up giving me a 5-week series of sermons about how to love.

I remember the moment that you said goodbye to me at the office on 20 July 2022, when you looked at me with your eyes full of guilt, disappointment towards yourself, and pain. I knew in my heart that I am going to pour out all the love I have for this man, despite how far apart we were going to be.

I remember throughout the 2 years, there were times when I felt so disappointed and pained I complained to God that this guy is so difficult to love. And God's response was, yes indeed. But I still love him. And in fact, I love him more than you love him, but he doesn't seem to realize that. So will you love him for me, please?

I remember several months ago, there was a period that I felt quite lost in this (I didn't want to share with you about it at that time). I felt like I was gradually having less to give you. I didn't know how long I could hold on to this, and if I should still be holding on to this. And this time, God's answer to me was, he will let me choose. And it is with that choice given to me, he promised that no matter what I choose, he will still be with me and I will still see his grace and goodness in my life.

All these overwhelming memories came back to my mind in a blink of an eye. And suddenly, I was reminded that this journey I embarked on was never deemed to be easy. It is a lonely journey. No one, perhaps not even you, understands why I have to do this, to write every single night for someone and wait and hope that he reads and knows that I put him dearly in my heart even though we are apart. It's much easier to just give up and turn away from him and move on. Even God knows how difficult it is, and he gives me the choice.

But I choose to stay. I willingly choose to stay because there was this calling in my heart, to make sure this man knows that he is still loved despite everything that he has done, and despite he doesn’t want to accept it. And this calling is still there, flaming, in my heart.

So why did I doubt? I doubted because this was never easy, not at all. But perhaps this turmoil of bitterness and distress in the last few days was because I needed to be reminded why I am at where I am now. It was never entirely because of God, he did give me free will to choose where I want to go, and I chose to stay on. And despite me trying to put all the blame on him, he pushed through all the barriers I built in my heart, just so to tell me that he is not my enemy or a God who abandons me. He has always promised me that whether it's the easy or the difficult path that I choose, as long as I stay close to him, he will always walk with me and I will see his blessings along the journey. That's the faith he wants to put in my heart.