Words.

Today is an office day for me. I forgot when I last went into the office - probably months ago. I went in today because I had to pass Jenny some stuff and I had 4 meetings with Vincent today, one of them is a presentation.

Every time I go in the office, I feel that I am the bravest girl in the world.

Probably no one is gonna know the amount of mental effort I have to put just to walk in that building, put on a nice smile to greet each person I encounter, and bring in the energy that people need in every conversation I am in.

It’s not even about the additional stress that I get from managing Vincent in multiple meetings, or leading a presentation in front of 30 people.

Almost every time when I get in my car to go home after an office day, I can feel the flood of emotions as I unload my “mask” and let the little Hannah out after a long day.

She misses having Andy with her when she’s in that building, but she knows that those days will never come back. What she actually wants is more than just Andy’s “company” at Meyer, but Andy’s life-long company as someone who knows the many sides of her and yet still accepts her. But she also knows that is just not something that Andy can give her at this point in time.

Dealing with this side of me that really misses your presence is probably one of the most difficult and vulnerable conversations I have to have with myself.

I am sorry for being so vulnerable here tonight and I hope you bear with me. I try to keep these within myself most of the days. While I feel like I live in a world where you no longer “exist”, I still try my best to live out the best that I can give to this world. But today is just one of those days that I want to write these feelings out.

This was me coming home from office today, I didn’t even realise I looked so tired.

Took this from the carpark of my home tonight