Work struggle.

how are you, my dear? I miss you. I had a really sad day at work today.

I have been arranging things for my upcoming trip to Frankfurt. Since this trade show is organised by the Meyer UK team and my direct reporting boss is from Meyer UK, he already helped reserve a hotel room for me after my dates got confirmed.

And last week, Jenny asked Vincent if Veron (the girl who used to report to me) can go too so that she can have some exposure. Vincent approved but MUK came back saying that they can’t book a hotel room for her anymore due to budget and asked MHK to book her own room. And things became more complicated because Jenny then went to ask Vincent to approve that, and Vincent asked if Veron can share the hotel room with me.

I know that for the recent few trips that the Meyer Labs team went, some of them had to share rooms. I personally disagree with that because I think the company should cover an individual room for each person, but this has never happened to me so far, so I never had to voice out.

My problem is not really that I don’t get along with others or Veron in this case, it is because I really need my own room for my mental situation. Having to be with a lot of people for the whole day during business trip is still something really draining for me mentally. I shared that with you here when I go on these trips, my emotions often bottle up secretly throughout the day. And when I get to my room at night, I just really need to regulate myself by crying them out, which is why having my room and space is so important for me.

I just feel so helpless and frustrated. I don’t want to be “difficult” and challenge this room sharing arrangement that everyone else abides. But it is really for mental reasons that I am forced to voice it out. And I hate that I have to use this “card” to ask for something for myself that I think everyone else should have too.

I said it twice to Howe (since he’s the one liaising with Vincent on this) that I really need my own room for mental needs, but I don’t think he’s very convinced. I asked him what he thinks that I can do so that we can resolve this, I even asked if it would help if I had medical certificate. And he replied yes he thinks so, and I might have to share my challenge with Vincent directly.

But as you know, I struggle to talk about my mental situation with people, not to mention if it’s Vincent. I shared about it lightly with Howe and my UK boss last year at one point when I renewed my contract with Meyer and I requested that I need a more flexible work arrangement. I think Howe later relayed that to Vincent too. But other than that time, I prefer not to mention about it at all with anyone as long as I manage to not have it impact my delivery at work, because I don’t want people to treat me with extra care because of this.

But now I feel like I am being backed into a corner, and it is stressing me out and I am struggling to not react to it emotionally. This feeling is suffocating for me.

I cried multiple times today because of this, luckily I was working from home and I still managed to deliver my work. But I have to go in the office tomorrow and Thursday, and I even have two meetings with Vincent in person on Thursday.

Miss you Andy and I miss your hugs. Sorry I don’t have any photos today because of this. I really need some wisdom and courage to tackle this.