How are you recently, Andy?
I have been practicing to give myself a bit more time to digest my thoughts and feelings in the last few days. It's very easy to just conclude that "I don't feel well", and then start to feel even more miserable for feeling miserable. But it doesn't really get me anywhere except feeling more and more anxious and suffocated. So I am learning how to unfold what's beneath my "unwell" feelings.
Then I started to realise there're so many finer feelings and thoughts beneath that I tend to ignore subconsciously because I would tell myself I shouldn't feel this way, or I would comfort myself over that feeling too soon before I even understand that feeling.
For example, when I said I struggled to wake up because I feel everything seems meaningless to me the other day, beneath that it's actually because I feel I've been trying so hard and waiting for so long, but I still don't see any progress or change in life. I feel tired from keep trying and not giving up. Inside that there's also doubt in God, I don't understand why is he not working things out for me, why is he so quiet.
As I unpack all these, I realised how much I've been pushing myself. I wanted to prove to you and the world that I can be strong, stronger, and even stronger despite how unfavourable things look like to me. But I forgot to check on myself how I am really doing inside.
I allowed myself to feel all those finer feelings and thoughts in the last few days. It takes time and patience, and I am still learning it.
Lastly before I sleep, I want to share with you what I came across online the other night:
Above all, don't lie to yourself.
We often ponder over things, but a lot of times, we actually already have the answers in our hearts.
So quiet down and listen to that small still voice inside you.
Your heart will give you the answer you are looking for.
Goodnight. Love you.
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