If I’d call most of my days “bearable” while living with my depression, today is probably one of those days that I’d have to say it’s not.
It’s been a week since I came back from my 5-week trip in the UK. Obviously because of covid, I haven’t been out of my house since I visited the doctor on the day I landed. But today as I started to recover more from the covid symptoms, I couldn’t help but think about now that I’m back to HK, “what’s next”. And my depression just clashes me deeply.
I shared in this post about how I feel I am always moving from one “season” to another whenever I travel to another side of the world. I guess when I said that, I was also implying that I don’t actually know what’s next after the trip.
What’s next after this trip? “Back to normal”? This might all sound strange to you, or anybody - but there’s no “normal” for me. My brain doesn’t know what “normal” is since I left HK out of despair 3 years ago and traveled back and forth to the other side of the world for 5 times within 2 years. Where I am, what I do depends on who or what requires me. Even my work is not at regular “normal” hours. Not to mention my unstable mental state, which is something that haunts me in unlimited new ways that I have to cope with every single day from the second I’m awake.
These days, I talk less about my depression here (and those reckless, extreme thoughts that come to my mind) because I figured that they are heavy. And I don’t want that to be all you can feel from my writing.
But just because I’ve learned to contain them, it doesn’t mean that they no longer exist. And today is just the day that I am utterly confused by the question “now what am I supposed to do next”, one of the most triggering questions I have for myself.
I know that the sudden shift of lifestyle from staying with and serving my parents 24-7 to being stuck at home 24-7 with a brother who doesn’t really need me is one of the reasons why I am feeling very “confused”. But there is also just a lot of other aspects in life that I feel so lost and uncertain, lacking direction. For example, my very minimal social life, the stress I have at work, and perhaps you.
I had a mental breakdown in the evening, the only words that I had in my mind for God was that “I don’t understand”. I don’t understand why I am here, I don’t understand what is going on, I don’t understand what he has set in place for me. And if there is any, can he please just show it to me.
It took all my strength to clean up my tears and convince my brain that it’s worth going out of my room for dinner. And after dinner, I received this email confirmation from Vincent about this trip initiated by Disney and my UK boss to go to Paris in September. It’s a topic that came up several times but I never bothered because I have always thought Vincent would turn it down. It’s not cheap to fly people over to Europe, and the purpose of the trip really is just to “get some product inspirations at Disneyland Paris”.
Funny enough, I immediately vomited after reading that email, I was coughing too hard and I had a reflux. But travelling AGAIN in 3 months’ time really is probably the last thing I want to mentally prepare myself for, not to mention it is for work and it is Paris, the “romantic” place where Sree and I met and started dating years ago.
But at the same time in my heart, I know that it is one of a few responses that God gave me after I made that “I don’t understand, can you please show me” cry to him.
It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden I stop struggling about my depression and uncertain future, just because God responded me by “unfolding” a travelling plan he has for me. I still don’t want to go to Paris, and there’re still countless other “no” I want to say to the things around me everyday and confusion I have about my future.
But at least I was reminded that in my overwhelming frustration and breakdown, God has never left. And he is patient with me to navigate through the uncertainty and depression, until I find all the answers I need to all my questions.
This is one of the Bible verses that came to my mind just now in my breakdown:“Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” I feel it captures the kind of faith that I am challenged to hold on to as someone who feels like I can’t see the future and every new day with depression is a new battle.
Sorry, that it’s a very long and heavy post I have here tonight, and my writing is probably messy. But I guess it reflects the chaotic and overwhelming I feel right now. I am also sorry if this makes you sad or distressed or anything. I guess I am just not always that loving and strong, and sometimes I just wanted you to know that I am also trying very hard to battle with my problems everyday. I hope you’d bear with me and accept my vulnerability as well.
Comentários