This morning as I woke up, I experienced another depression episode. I call it a depression episode because it happens differently than when I am feeling moody or emotional. There was no specific reason or incident or dream that triggered me, I just woke up with a really low mood and energy. It's as if my brain stopped functioning, and I was just frozen lying on my bed and staring at the wall.
The next thing I realised was that I started tearing up, without even knowing why. It slowly developed into this urge to crumble and the crying became more intense that my body was shaking and I couldn't breathe. At that moment, there's still nothing in my brain except acknowleding that I am crumbling uncontrollably, and it is becoming very difficult to breathe.
It felt like forever until I felt that I gained back my "cognition" and realised I could remove my blanket to let some air in and get a tissue to wipe my nose to help the breathing. I had to use all my mental energy to regulate my breathing and crying, I can't do anything else except laying flat on my bed. Slowly I gain back a little bit more energy, and I am clam enough to do something else to "reactivate" my cogntion.
It is always a terrifying experience every time this happens. And so far for today it has happened twice, once after my sleep, and another again at noon after I ate something.
When I was trying to recover from the latest one, I played this song that I recorded in this post. Usually when I have these episodes, the first thing that comes to my mind is that this is so intolerable and I don't want to deal with it again. That is when those thoughts of ending myself start creeping in.
But the song was like another voice in my head thati reminded me the reflection God has brought to me during Easter: He will bring me out of this. I have gone through this before, and I will get through it this time too.
Hope you don't mind this vulnerable sharing. I want to share with you because I believe this is part of the journey of healing. Sometimes we feel we are getting better, but then all of a sudden it gets worse again and it can be frustrating. But perhaps each time we are also regaining our internal strength bit of bit without realising. Until one day when you look back, you'll realise your growth in perseverance is beyond those ups and downs.
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