Wrestling heart

hello my dear, how was your weekend? miss you.

My period suddenly came yesterday, it’s more than 7 days early than my last cycle, so I am a bit worried because this rarely happens and usually it comes late than early. Maybe I really have been too stressed, I’ll see what my chinese doctor says tomorrow.

I am not sure if it’s because of my period or my mental state or perhaps both, I’ve been feeling really drowsy and dizzy today. After going to church in the morning, I immediately got back to my bed and lied down for the whole afternoon. I don’t know why I still couldn’t nap for long even though I feel so exhausted. It’s like my mind starts to wake up after napping for about 10 minutes. And in between that, I would suddenly feel a wave of emotions overwhelming me and I would start a crying episode. This loop of short nap and crying basically went on for the whole afternoon. I guess I’ll just have to admit that I am having a depression episode and I need some rest.

I felt slightly better after showering at night and I was playing with my guitar for a bit. Then I looked at Instagram and saw that Sree (my ex boyfriend) proposed to his current girlfriend.

I am not totally surprised because it does seem like they’ve been having a strong relationship. But I guess I just don’t know how to feel about it when I actually see it.

I am happy for him, especially because I know from when we were dating that his parents expected him to have arranged marriage with an Indian. So I am really happy for him that he must have figured a way out. I also know that he is a person who will cherish the one he loves and I am glad he found someone who does the same for him, which is something that I couldn’t give him.

I guess my mixed feeling comes from the part deep inside me that is doubtful and bitter about my own singleness. Just like how when I heard that my chinese doctor is getting married.

I tried digesting this for an hour. It’s so hard to separate the emotions over myself from feeling happy for him, especially when the former is strong. But in the end, I still decided to go back to his post and like it. This might seem “too much” but I remember what I shared here about him still keeping some of the posts of us after years (and those posts are still there now). I guess he does value our past, and I just hope this small action of liking his engagement post shows him that he has my blessings and I am happy for him.

As for myself - if you ask me for an honest answer from my heart - I don’t know. I wrestle with God about it almost every day for years but I still don’t have an answer. As a “serious” Christian, I feel I have a spiritual heart and I have experienced how God spoke clearly over certain things in my life. But for this particular aspect on singleness, I feel God seems to have been deliberately leaving it as mystery for me.

I feel like for the last few days, I’ve been pushed to the edge of looking back at some of my past wounds. Whether it’s our recent Japan family trip that led me to dig into my relationship with my parents, this engagement post from Sree that triggered my doubt about my future, or my depression episode today that reminded me of my darkest days in Kingston.

In my tears, I suddenly remember these words that I came across this morning:

Peacefully wait for God to mend the broken pieces from your past;

Patiently wait for yourself to be strong again and flourish;

Always remind yourself that you are already standing in the light that God has shed on you.

It’s like God knew what’s coming for me and he put these words in my mind to encourage and comfort my heart when I need it.

I miss you.